Thursday, August 7, 2014

Magneto Wishes Me A Very Happy Birthday (Issue #104)

April 1977
I am excited. Why? Because this issue came out in April of 1977. Turns out, *I* came out in April of 1977, too ... OF MY MOM, THAT IS! Wow, it's way more gross, when put like that, than I ever thought it could be!

But, anyway, here is the issue that was on newsstands while my mom was in labor for however many hours it was, delivering fat little old me and my huge head. Was this issue sitting on a spinner-rack in the hospital gift shop? Possibly! But, for certain, at least one kid was reading this issue as I entered the world, covered in blood and mucus. Too far.

JUDGE THE COVER!
It's a riff on the cover of X-Men issue #1, with the new cast in place of the old. That's neat-o, right? MAG neat-o?

And that's about all I have to say about that.

SUMMARY!
Banshee's love-interest and part-time caretaker of Professor X, Moira MacTaggert, has an island lab. As she's still in NY with Xavier, helping him cope with his space-people hallucinations, she's left it in the capable hands ... and hands ... and hands of a guy named Jamie Madrox! Madrox! My eyes went wide when I read that name! As a fan of mid-90s X-Factor comics, I knew that name all too well. As a kid, I'd think, "If only *I* had his powers, I'd never be lonely again...", then drift off into a wistful, friendless silence. I won't spoil what his power is, because the comics don't tell us, yet, either. How do you build suspense?

Monday, June 23, 2014

A Watery Grave (Issue #103)

February 1977
JUDGE THE COVER!

LOOK! Juggernaut hates the X-Men SO MUCH, that he's willing to destroy the very castle he is standing on to have things to throw at them! This is an unsustainable battle plan.

Meanwhile, Black Tom is like, "Um... I'm up here, too, Juggsy!"

Meanwhile, Banshee is all, "HEY! That's me childhood home!"

Meanwhile, Nightcrawler is saying, um, something vaguely German? (Ach du lieber?)

Meanwhile, Storm is like, "That laser blast singed my midriff!"

Meanwhile Chris Claremont (the writer) is like, "How can I get Storm naked, in THIS issue?"

And that's the story called "Death Siege". END SCENE!


SUMMARY!
Last issue (as you are certain to recall), Nightcrawler was knocked out during a fight with Juggsie and some dude named Black Tom, but was saved by people who live in the walls of the castle. Weird? Well, it's weirder, because those people-in-the-walls are wee folk, too!

Ironically, they actually prefer Cocoa Puffs.


Thursday, May 15, 2014

(The X-Men R) Good Enough (Issue #102)

JUDGE THE COVER!

If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting! Juggernaut after Juggernaut...
(quieter) Juggernaut after Juggernaut...
(quieter, still) Juggernaut after Juggernaut....

Wait ... can you even see that the cover text says, "IF COLOSSUS SHOULD FALL... WHO SHALL STOP THE JUGGERNAUT?"

You probably can't. So my Cyndi Lauper moment was pretty lost on you, huh? Still, it's always good to remember just how great Cyndi Lauper is.

She really DOES bop. *Ahem*

But, in all seriousness: What's with the cowering damsel act, Storm? Is it because you were paralyzed with crippling claustrophobia at the end of the last issue*? *[Yes. See Last Issue --Ed]

SUMMARY!
We start mid-fight with the X-Mans fighting Juggernaut and some guy called Black Tom. Luckily, this is not a racist name. (1976 Marvel, I feel, could have gone either way. We're lucky.) Amidst the fighting, Wolverine and Colossus manage to get into a sub-fight of their own about whether or not Colossus should be concerned about the clearly-losing-her-sh!t-Storm.

I really want to start using "mad on" in my everyday conversation, but I can't figure
out how to say it that doesn't make me sound like I'm saying something lewd.
"Man, that politician gives me SUCH a MAD ON!" Hot.


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

All Rise For Judge Phoenix! (Issue #101)

JUDGE THE COVER!

It's really hard to get a good synchronized swimming routine going, when one of your members is a POWER FROM SPACE. (And one who likes to launch out to the water shouting, "I AM PHOENIX!" at that.)

Please notice how Storm is looking over her shoulder at Cyclops as if to say, "What are you doing?! Close your mouth, you fool!"

And Cyclops is saying back, "GURRRRGLEACKPTHFF!"

Anyway! Here we go, into the wild world of The Phoenix and her totally necessary hip-sash accessory. Are you ready?



SUMMARY!
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-MEN:
After escaping from The Sentinel's space station in a space shuttle, our band of mutants realizes that they're all going to die in a solar flare. Jean says, "You all hide in this lead-lined box, and I'll pilot us home. Don't worry, my mind-powers will keep me from dying!"

PS - She dies.