Monday, June 23, 2014

A Watery Grave (Issue #103)

February 1977

LOOK! Juggernaut hates the X-Men SO MUCH, that he's willing to destroy the very castle he is standing on to have things to throw at them! This is an unsustainable battle plan.

Meanwhile, Black Tom is like, "Um... I'm up here, too, Juggsy!"

Meanwhile, Banshee is all, "HEY! That's me childhood home!"

Meanwhile, Nightcrawler is saying, um, something vaguely German? (Ach du lieber?)

Meanwhile, Storm is like, "That laser blast singed my midriff!"

Meanwhile Chris Claremont (the writer) is like, "How can I get Storm naked, in THIS issue?"

And that's the story called "Death Siege". END SCENE!

Last issue (as you are certain to recall), Nightcrawler was knocked out during a fight with Juggsie and some dude named Black Tom, but was saved by people who live in the walls of the castle. Weird? Well, it's weirder, because those people-in-the-walls are wee folk, too!

Ironically, they actually prefer Cocoa Puffs.

These leprechauns explain what we already know: That Tom and Juggernaut came to the castle to f*ck s%*t @p. What we DIDN'T already know was this: So did a mysterious, red-armored man named Erik. An Erik who wears red. Is it Erik The Red?

Yes, it's Eric The Red.

If you don't know who Erik The Red is ... I dunno, Wikipedia probably explains it.

Here's something else that's weird:

It's usually stoners who get freaked out over their hands, right?
WHOA! How do I know that the Nightcrawler I see, is the same Nightcrawler that ... BAMF.

The fact that Nightcrawler vanishes in the shadows - which we just learned about last issue - is news to Nightcrawler, too! So he has, apparently, never been in a shadow to notice this, before?! I can't believe that! I CAN believe that a man has blue/black fur/skin and a tail and can BAMF all over the place, but this shadow thing is the limit of my suspension of disbelief. Has he never found a shady tree on a warm summer's day?! Or a secluded, un-lit corner of the street to relieve himself on after a night of over drinking?! PREPOSTEROUS!

Anyway. The wall-elves inform Nightie-night-crawler that the other X-Men have been brought to Black Tom's secret lab and "neutralized". Now, they'll show our hero where the lab is, but they won't help him fight.! So these Leprechauns are more like LepreCAN'Ts!

I know this isn't the best write-up I've done of an X-Man comic, but at least it included that last line. I'm super proud of it.

Anyway. Here is Black Tommy boy's plan: He will lure Prof X to the castle by causing the X-Men so much pain that their abusive-father-like figure will have no option but to show up to save them. Tom will effect this plan of pain by using something called a Neuronic Tangler Glove. This is a device that causes pain without violence.

There was another fella who wore one glove and caused
agony and mental distress, without damaging the body ....
I can't tell if this caption is over the line.

So, in the world of the X-Men, someone invented Neuronic Tangler technology, then made it into a glove! That's dedication to a sick invention - mad dedication. Mad scientist dedication. This issue is dedicated to all the mad scientists out there. Keep doin' what you're doin'. (Cackling at the lightning?)

Nightcrawler, uses his disguise device (that he's had since the beginning of his appearances in the X-Men, but I just didn't tell you about it until now, because I didn't get around to it. Blame me, not Chris Claremont nor a deus ex machina maguffin. Ex Maguffin. Sounds like Eggs McMuffin. (It's a time like this that you need to keep remembering that that "LepreCAN'T" joke I wrote was pretty good. Please?)) Nightcrawler appears unto Black Tom and Juggsy as Professor X. Hilarity ensues. And by "hilarity", I mean that the rest of the book is, essentially, one giant fight scene. "Lol".

It's all over when Banshee kicks Black Tom over the castle wall, probably to his death.

Banshee: Murder!

Then Juggernaut is like, "My only friend!" and jumps after him! Neither are found among the wave-dashed rocks.

Juggernaut: Self-Murder!


In a post-script, it's revealed that the man behind this elaborate plan, Eric The Red, is, himself, also working for someone else! This someone else is from outer space and is trying to prevent Princess Neraman (also from outer space) from reaching Earth and contacting the X-Men. So there's that!

He works for some dude in a tiara.

Eric's NEW plan is to contact Magneto and be all, "Hey buddy, what's up? You wanna kill some X-Mens for me. Cool. See you lates. lol." Guess that'll happen in the next issue, so look forward to that!


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