JUDGE THE COVER!
This issue "features" "The End of the X-Men!" Isn't that a weird feature? "Your Life: Now featuring your death!" or "Buick: Now Featuring A Car Crash." Is something negative a feature? "The iPhone features a retina screen, up to 64GB of storage space, and frequent crashes!" Yeah, I know an iPhone never crashes, or whatever. Save your hate for posting in the comments of some other blog, ok? I was just making a joke about how much Apple sucks. It's not a fact. #Troll
SUMMARY!
Professor X is dead, to begin with. This you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous...
So, some FBI man (F-Man? No, G-Man!) shows up and needs to speak to the team on urgent business.
But before they can get to it, a lawyer man (L-Man? No. Law Man ... no, wait, that's a cop.) busts in and is all "My business is more important! Lawyers, right? Hey! Here's one for you: What's the difference between a lawyer and a shark?
You can unscrew a shark! I think I may have gotten that wrong.
Anyway, the lawyer is there to read Xavier's will. More paperwork! Even after you die, there's still paperwork?! Man, this issue is REALLY exploring the Human Condition. Bleak.
As stipulated by X himself, Scott "Cyclops" summers gets everything. So he tears outta there on a spending spree, never to return. Credits.
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| "Best interests? Of course! Look here: '2 hours, Looking after best interests of clients: $400' See? I've already billed you for just that!. You are welcome, young Scott." |
Ha! Yeah, like Scott could ever do something fun. Actually, what happens is that the lawyer leaves and the FBI, once again, gets ready to relay his important information unto the X-Mens when, once again, he is interrupted by ... Juggernaut! *BUCKAW!* (Punchline to a series of "Interrupting Juggernaut" jokes.)
"But, how did he get back from the Crimson Cosmos, in which he was imprisoned?!" the more nerdy / endowed with good memories among you might be asking. My answer: Reasons?
Seems like one of Professor X's machines was ... designed to do this? And it was on a timer? DING! Juggernaut's done! (Please let Juggernaut cool for five minutes before handling. Contents may be hot. *BUCKAW*!)
Of course, Juggsy-wuggsy-kins is looking for revenge on anyone and everyone, but especially his half-brother, Xavier. Once told that someone else beat him (literally) to the punch, Juggernaut gets even MORE enraged and attacks the X-Men. (Not like he was not going to do that, anyway. Juggernaut makes excuses for his anger.)
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| A rag-tag bunch of losers? Yeah, I can see why the X-Men like that team. |
Fighting happens.
Then, just as mysteriously as he appeared, the Juggernaut disappears. Cyclops mumbles some claptrap about the professor planning it this way, or something.
Now that Agent Duncan of the FBI (Female Body Insects - I think I got that wrong, too) FINALLY has an un-jugger-rupted moment to explain his pressing business, he lays it on them. "Congratulations!" he says, "We're breaking up the X-Men!"
GASP!
They are allowed to be together one last time, on the roof at Radio City Music Hall, but then they have to go off and have solo careers of varying merit. Just let it be, guys. Let it be.
ORIGIN B.S.: ICEMAN
Then there is the last bit of origin story about Iceman but, whatever.