Monday, November 18, 2013

X-Menauts (Issue #99)

June 1976
JUDGE THE COVER!

"Deathstar Rising"?! As this was published in June of 1976 - almost a full year before Star Wars hit theaters, I sure hope (a NEW hope?!) that they sued the pants off of old man Lucas!

In other cover news: It's issue 99! And that means that not only can I not stop saying "ninety nine!" in the way that Get Smart would, but that next issue is the big one-oh-oh!

Though, poor issue 99 (NINETY NINE!) must feel like it's an also-ran. Merely a prelude to a better issue 100! Parents are told that every child must shine on their own, and not feel under the shadow of a better sibling.

That's totally wrong. Boring, stupid, or just worse children should be shamed and compared to their betters. Therefore: Let's get this over quickly, 99 (NINETY NINE!) so I can read #100!



SUMMARY!

Worried about our mutants who found themselves in the vacuum of space at the end of the last issue? Of course you are! If you weren't, you'd be a heartless monster ... or that you simply forgot how the last issue ended. [And with me taking a weeks-long break to 1) get horrible sick ... like HORRIBLE sick ... and 2) pack up and move my apartment AND 3) get so wrapped up in Halloween that I forget to post to this blog for, like, almost two months ... I don't blame you if you forgot everything I said last issue.]

After all that, it turns out you needn't have worried - nor felt bad for not remembering to worry - since The Sentinels swoop in and pick up Jean, Wolverine, and Banshee before they can die of space-death.

"All Sentinels: Activate pun-generators!"
"Complying! Pun generators now at 100 PUNcent!"
Meanwhile on Earth: Prof X's fishing buddy, Dr. Peter Corbeau - of Starcore ... which is a thing? - has come to visit the X-mansion. He brought along Some Knowledge. (Can he get onto Noah's Ark? NOPE! But he could if he brought along Pickled Cod! [Worst "party" "game" ever!]) Dr. Corbeau hacks all the things so that Cerebro can detect the elements used in the construction of The Sentinels. And they've been detected ... in outer space! (not shocking!) ... on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s space platform (Shocking! ?!).

See, I'm not sure, at this point in the game, how we feel about S.H.I.E.L.D. I know how I personally feel about them [That I love when Sam Jackson shows up after the credits and is all, "S.H.I.E.L.D.?" And Robert Downey is all "Drink!" And Coulson is all, "I'm secretly The Vision!" SHHHH!] BUT, what I mean is, in the comics at this period of time in the Marvel universe, are they good guys or bad guys? Grey-area guys? Are we supposed to gasp and clutch our breast(s) and say, "No! Not S.H.I.E.L.D.! Surely not THEMMMMMM?!?!" Or are we supposed to shake our fist and say, "Oh, you rascally S.H.E.I.L.D.! Up to your old tricks again, eh you SCAMPS?!" Either way, S.H.I.E.L.D. is depressingly difficult to type over and over like this....

With special guests Mike Wallace AND Geraldo Rivera!

Since Dr. Corbeau is a big muckymuck at Star Company, no one bats an eye that he's decided to take one of their shuttles out for a spin. You know, in the same way Obama could sign out a F-15 for the weekend, no questions asked. Guess this was the days before the X-Men had their own supply of rockets, so they had to rely on the kindness of strangers. Kinda like the USA and space exploration today, huh? "Excuse me, Space X and/or Russia? Could we have a lift into space? We'll chip in for gas." And yet we never do.

Flash to Ireland where some Irish guy is sending a letter off to America to warn Banshee that Banshee's cousin, Black Tom, needs to be stopped. And then that guy is killed by Black Tom. Ironic.


Damn straight I Googled that address!

Professor X has somehow convinced Google to hide their location! Amazing!

Back to Peter and the Corbeaunauts: It is learned that S.H.I.E.L.D. (still super-annoying to type!) had abandoned this base a while back and Project Armageddon took it over. Fwew! So S.H.I.E.L.D. are still good guys, here! (Or, at least, NOT bad guys.) Thought I was gonna have to have words with Nick Fury. (Choke a Nick?)

So ... The X-Menauts ram the space station with their shuttle. Seriously.

This is how I park my car, too.

Once inside, the team splits up into Scott (who will go after Jean and the Prof) and everyone else (who are off to free Wolverine and Banshee). Scott finds and frees Jean and Xavier, but then flips out on Dr. Lang.

"Is that your FINAL answer?"
(Scene from "Who Wants To Be Beaten To Death by A Mutant?")

Cyke might have even killed the bad doctor, if not for being stopped by a mysterious someone or something (that we are not shown). This something is, as the evil Dr. Lang describes it, the "heart of Project Armageddon". I hope it's a giant heart. With lasers.

As for the others: They find Wolverine and Banshee, but then are confronted by what looks to be the original X-Men team of Cyclops, Jean, Angel, Beast, Iceman, and Professor X!

My eye is drawn to Colossus' boot ... and his weird calf muscle.

I'm not sure what's going on, honestly!


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