Wednesday, November 20, 2013

It's an X-Men Vs. X-Men Rumble! (issue #100)

August 1976
JUDGE THE COVER!

In the immortal words of Dave Matthews: So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say!

1 - How did I not notice that the UPC symbol started showing up on the cover? And I call myself a UPC fan?! (If you must know, I checked and its first appearance on an X-Men book was just last issue (#99). Go ahead and wheel that fact out to amaze your friends, when there is a lull in dinner conversation!)

2 - This cover made me, for some reason, really aware of the X-Men's feet. It's kinda interesting how each costume is so unique that one might be able to tell which X-Man one were looking at, solely by looking at their feet ... if one were a foot fetishist.

2a - It also made me think about how gross it is that Beast has to be barefoot all the time, to make use of his prehensile toes. They often visit New York City, people! How was this not a bigger plot-point in many of these comics?! "Have fun in the Danger Room, guys ... I'm off to scour my feet with bleach ... again!"

3 - To say "AT LAST -- The spectacular 100th issue" is a BIT misleading. Remember how the series was originally cancelled, after issue #66? Well, after that, they continued to run a bunch of reprints until the series came back - but they kept numbering them consecutively! (So, there was an issue #67, but it was just a reprint of issue #13!) Therefore, this is REALLY issue #74, but "AT LAST! ISSUE 74!" doesn't have the same ring.

Suck it up. Suck it up. Suck it up.


SUMMARY!

A big fight between the fake X-Men and the new X-Men takes place. It goes on for pages, but, still, it's a lot of fun to watch. I ain't gonna do a blow-by-blow - firstly, because that expression sounds NSFW, but secondly ... I'm lazy. But it all boils down to this:

Wolverine, using his super sense of smell (both a blessing and a curse ... especially if you've ever used a toilet in LaGuardia Airport! BOOM!), determines that Jean doesn't smell like Jean. This implies that he's sniffed her. (Probably in the pervy "I just want to hug yooooooou" *SNIIIIIF* way.) So Wolverine rips her open! Before anyone can be all "How could you?!", they notice all the unacceptable gears and wires that spill out of her stomach, rather than the acceptable blood and guts.

A Clockwork Orange-Haired Lady

Yes, friends, these X-postors are SENTINELS! Once they don't have to worry about harming their friends, the new X-Men cut down these robot fakers quite quickly. 

Meanwhile, in Dr Langs inner sanctum, Scott - who is being held inside a giant test-tube along with Dr. Corbeau, Professor X, and the real Jean Grey - is boiling mad. About a lot of stuff, but mostly about being captured by a crazy jerk. He cranks up his eye beams to 11 and makes the tube explode. Classic Cyclops!

See, you anti-FRAKers, it saves X-Mens' lives!

Having freed himself and the others, Cyke looks to resume his beating-the-crap-out-of-Dr-Lang that he was in the middle of, before being so rudely interrupted by a mysterious bolt from "the true heart of Project Armageddon". (Which is why he's in the tube-trapped state, to begin with.) What was that zot? Where did it come from? Actually ... it looks like we're not going to find out! Which is a weird misstep for Chris Claremont. I almost want to take back shaking his hand at Comic Con! [Nah, I'll give him another chance!]

Instead of waiting on Scott to complete his knuckle-patterned redecoration of his face, the doctor jumps into a tiny little flying tank and starts saying how great he is and how stupid the mutants are ... and then he flies straight into a wall and dies in the explosion!

That's hilarious! "X-Men! Help me!" HA! Good one, Dr Lang! Ka-boom!

Ok, so maybe Jean using her mind to jam the controls has a little something to do with it. Yet no one was all, "JEAN! You shouldn't have!" Everyone just kinda shrugs and moves on. I'm fine with that.

Now the X-Men are all reunited (and it feels so good), but when they get to their shuttle spaceship and realize it's broken. Um ... yeah. Maybe because you guys rammed it into the space station when you arrived, rather than parking in the designated zones?! (The White Zone is for loading and unloading of mutant passengers only [and let me tell you, after my last flight, we could use those at LaGuardia, too! Because ... those people are mutants...].)

It's not so broken that it can't fly, it's just that it would require constant piloting. And that's a problem because there is a solar flare about to happen which would kill the only pilot they have (Dr Corbeau), since he is a weak and pathetic human. So Jean says, "Lend me your brain for a sec, Doc!" and zaps from him the ability to fly a shuttle craft. Now Jean will fly the ship home. Through the solar flare. Which would not necessarily kill her ... but probably will. Mr. Lover Lover Cyclops says, "Are you CRA-" but then takes a psychic punch to the brain-face and collapses.

Jean locks everyone in the ship's anti radiation box [why not make the whole plane out of that material?! Amiright people?!] and flies the ship into the solar flare.

The saddest part was that her last words were misspelled. 

Cliffhanger!

CONCLUSIONS!

Why the hell did I make two Dave Matthews references in this post? I hate that guy.


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