Friday, September 6, 2013

Spidey v. Nightcrawley v. Punishey (The Amazing Spider-Man #161) [Read After X-Men #97]


Well well well, this is interesting! The X-Men doing a little moonlighting in another super-person's magazine? Though I guess they did do an Avengers crossover, back in the silver age, so, never mind. Nothing is new under the sun! RIP OFF!

Except ... wait ... is this just Nightcrawler? Couldn't get the big names to show up, huh? They demanded too much money.

Though, right off the bat, I did take a-kindly to Nightcrawler. Dunno why. Is it the "bamf"? I think it's the "bamf".

Also: Why is he named after an earthworm? C'mon with the origin story, already!  (So I can roll my eyes and say, on this very blog, how lame it is that they dedicated so many pages of my comic to a stupid origin story, when there could have been more fighting. I'm never happy!)

So ... Spider-Man?


We open on Kurt "Nightcrawlies" Wagner reading the paper ... in the DANGER ROOM. Enter Wolverine, who snikts by, causing the paper to tear.

I guess this is why Wolverine never smiles in family photos?
(Because when he does, he looks like a nightmare. Cripes!)

When an apology is not forthcoming from the be-clawed one, Nightey storms out. We are supposed to be on Kurts side, I think, but I'm on Wolvie's: Why are you reading a paper in the Danger Room?! That's ... um ... dangerous. A missile could come out of the wall and separate you from your living-ness.

Meanwhile, in filthy Coney Island, Peter "Spidey-Pants" Parker is busy threatening domestic violence on a VERY of-the-time-ly dressed M.J.:

The rollercoaster clearly broke her spine. Seek medical help.

Their date is about to get all "hot dog-y" (not a euphemism! They're going to eat Nathan's! (NOT a euphemism!)), when a sniper snipes a guy riding on the "Tornado" (guess they couldn't clear a license to call it "Cyclone"?) Hilariously, Nightcrawler thinks it's Spider-Man and Spider-Man thinks it's Nightcrawler! You got YOUR suspicion in MY suspicion! (Reese's Misunderstanding Cups?)

So they misunderstandingly fight, until Nightcrawler is all "maybe I vase wronk!" (Because he is German and that is how they talk [I should know, I'm a quarter German and I talk like that 1/4 of the time.] Schnell?)

Meanwhile, The Punisher is mad because ... well, does The Punisher ever need a reason?

Thankfully, he brought along his English-to-Gangster translating GUN!
"Um, let's see... 'rat-a-tat'?" "Pow Boom Bang" "Is that so?!"

But this time he has a reason and it's because someone is going around sniping people and making it look like it was he, The Punisher, who is doing it. (Well, except for Spider-Man and Nightcrawler, I guess, who never took the "What Do Sniper Murders Committed By The Punisher Look Like?" extension course at Hudson University [home of the Fighting Corpses!].)...

Back in scuzzy, depraved Coney Island (I really loathe that place), Bill Nighy-crawler is all, "I have to destroy some pictures that Spider-Man took!", ostensibly because they would "out" the all-new, all-different X-Men ... and the world is just not ready for that! But, honestly, when WILL we be ready for spandex-clad, super-fit people parading around? If Not Now, WHEN?!

So, Spidey and Crawley fight ... again and this time Nightcrawler pulls a Gwen Stacy, right off the top of a cable car tower. (FYI, this places them at Roosevelt Island. Facts NYC!)

"I punched him, but I didn't mean to hurt him!" --the core flaw with most of these comics.

But: Bamf. And now NC Crawl-a-lot is behind Spider-Man ... and he has fists!

HEY! What the hell happened to Nightcrawler being all "conservation of matter" and "I'll come out of a Bamf at the same velocity as I went in"? Surely he would have been moving when he reappeared?! That's right, retcon'd already! I TOLD YOU that they'd ditch that rule! And it only took SIX ISSUES?! Sad.

But along comes a cable car, interrupting their fight. Inside that cable car is ... The Punisher.

"Living on Roosevelt Island is great ... except for all the
superhero fights during rush hour!" --Commuter

Cliff-hanger-steaks, rare!

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