Monday, April 1, 2013

The Island of Dr. Magneteau (Issue #63)

December 1969
JUDGE THE COVER! 
What's behind door number mutant? A curvaceous babe! (Or is it a candlestick? Two faces, looking at each other?! I hate optical illusions / trick questions!*)

So, "The Triumph of Magneto" is that he created woman? Uh, sorry, dude, but god beat you to that, like, 600 years ago. (Or however long it is that new earth creationists think the world was made.)

Joke for my dad / other bikers: The Triumph of Magneto is the 1969 limited edition Trident with a 750cc 3 cylinder engine. Vroom!

*Full disclosure, I don't hate optical illusions, just trick questions. Or do I?! (Trick question!)


SUMMARY! 
Angel, having been brainwashed by The Creator (who is really Magneto), flies off to intercept Ka-Zar and the rest of the X-Men who are on their way to show The Creator (who is, unbeknownst to Angel, performing horrible experiments and killing/enslaving/mutating everyone in The Savage Land (which is the prehistoric land under Antarctica)) the error of his ways. GOT ALL THAT?! [I'm exhausted.]

But, before they can parlay, the rest of The Creator's men and half-man mutants attack. Like, immediately.

Learn how to fight the MARIO way!


So, what was the point in brainwashing Angel to send him out to fight the X-Men if the goons that you control are just going to rush in, anyway, blowing that opportunity? Come to think of it, why didn't The Creator - who is really Magneto, remember - just let Angel die, rather than resuscitate him after he found him near-death after his fall into The Savage Land? He knows he's Angel, one of his sworn enemies, after all! It doesn't add up. I require realism in my mutant superhero comic books!

Well, let's not look back in anger! Let's look forward in anger, instead:
A big fight erupts. Angel is so mad at being deceived that he flies back to The Creator's lair to confront the guy. (Racking up quite a few frequent flyer miles, this issue. Soon, Sam Elliott's gonna sit down next to him and impart a Platinum Card and some home-spun wisdom. How big IS Angel's backpack?!) Angel overhears The Creator talking with one of his mutants, Brain Child, about how he created him (guess that's where "The Creator" got his name - by creating things. Clever!) Also, it is revealed that Magneto/The Creator is going to create a lot more Dr. Moreau-like half-man mutants. Brain Child is like, "ok, whatever," but Angel is disgusted. Confronting him, The Creator reveals that he is Magneto and that he is working on "something".

Just then, the rest of the X-Men bust in. They are just in time to hear that Magneto's "something" is ... Lorelei! A from-scratch mutant chanteuse enchantress. (Enchanteuse?)

OOOOOOOOO. OOOOOOOOO. WITCH-AY WO-MAN (etc)


Her oo-oo-oo call sends dudes into a trance and she's already gotten Angel in her thrall. Sucker for a pretty face, that one! (Or a pretty voice... or, at least, a mutant-enhanced hypnotic voice... which I guess we're all susceptible to. I take it all back, Angel.)

At this point, I debated putting in some Lorelei (from "Gilmore Girls") jokes in here, but thought that it might strip away the super-manly image these blog posts usually paint of me. Pardon me while I go bench some weights.

Because this is 1969 and written by "the establishment", Lorelei's siren song doesn't work on Marvel Girl, lest they be construed as "deviants" ... but that does not explain why her song doesn't work on Magneto. (Deviant?) So Magneto tries to put Marvel Girl under his spell by pitching a little woo her way. She ain't buyin'.

Now THAT'S what I call "love making"!


Left alone as the only un-whammied un-canny X-Man, Marvel Girl uses her powers to open the immobile Cyclops' visor. His uncontrollable eyebeams destroy Magneto's Mutant Creating Machine (which I'd like to imagine runs on one light bulb and can, in addition to mutants, make Creeple People, too). Freed from the siren song, the X-Men are now able to escape the chain-reaction of explosions caused by the exploding Mutant Creation Machine (By Mattel).

Magneto? Well, he gets buried under the collapsing structure, so it's best to just assume he's taken care of and not pursue him any further.

Outside of Magneto's burning fortress, Ka-Zar laments that all of Magneto's false mutants are losing their powers and reverting back to boring old normal humans.

No, no. That is the pained, crying face of HAPPINESS!


But the X-Men all say, "Lucky them! Who wouldn't want to give up their horrible super powers and live normal lives?!" It's kinda a downer ending, if you consider that it's just been revealed that the X-Men feel like they are all living a tormented, near-unbearable life burdened by wondrous mutant powers and that they'd trade it all in to be normal and, say, write a thrice-weekly blog about a comic book series from the 60s.

Whoa. I am envied by the X-Men?! The grass is always greener, eh guys?!

Bleak.