Wednesday, March 27, 2013

SaurON, SaurOFF (Issue #61)

My first impulse was to make a "The Bachelor" joke. You know, because of that one season that was subtitled "On The Wings Of Love". Then I realized that, in the Venn Diagram of "People Who Read My Blog and People Who Watch "The Bachelor"" there is a very tiny overlap in those two groups.

Add the fact that the "On The Wings Of Love" season of "The Bachelor" aired seasons ago, and you have a joke that just won't work.

My "Plan B" was to tell you all about the failed joke, to pad out the "Judge The Cover" section.


I lied at the end of the last recap: Sauron [the Pterosaur, not the floating eye from LOTR] does NOT have death-ray eyes. Nope. Instead, his eye-beams can give people visions. The easy way to say that is "hypnotism", but why use one word, when you can use more?! So that is where we start this issue: Sauran-wrap eye-beaming The Avenging Angel (née Angel) into thinking that he is fighting three monsters instead of one.

That first one rides that fine line between goofy and "nightmare fuel". I can imagine him growling as well as I can imagine him giggling. Though ... both are equally scary.

But angel sees through that gag. [Get it, cause, like, all this eye stuff?] The other X-Men join the fight, too, but it's mostly stale-mate. That is, until someone calls Dr. Lyko's [Sauron's human identity] offices. See, the ringing wakes up Alex [Havok]. Why is this important? Because Dr. Lykos was draining Alex of his "life force" and that is what turned him into Sauron. Now that Alex is awake, that is somehow draining Dr. Lykos/Sauron of his powers. Ugh! Do we have another T.L.P. [The Living Pharaoh] situation up in here?! Is Havok condemned to timeshare his powers with every super villain? You just know he's gonna get screwed, only able to use his powers in the off-season, when he doesn't want to. Timeshare jokes, folks!

Artistic note: Need further proof that Neal Adams' art is crazy-go-bonkers insane? LOOK AT THIS:

Some people wear their heart on their sleeve. Sauron wears his origin story on his wings.

His source of mutant energy cut off, Dr. Dayton Lykos starts to turn back to human form. He puts the hypnotic whammy on Angel and has him carry him back to his offices. The X-Men go to pick up Alex (who is looking hale and well, despite the soul-sucking that he's been going through) and stumble into an awkward scene between Lykos, his true love, and his true love's true father. The heated argument revolves around love, power, money, and how Dr. Lykos is a pauper who will never amount to anything and will never be worthy of his daughter. In the end, Dr. Lykos, almost frothing at the mouth, swears he'll be powerful enough, one day, to get her. The father and daughter both agree that this dude is cracked. There is a short pause, then Iceman is all, "AWK-WARD!" And the audience laughs, then applauds. [The X-Men is filmed in front of a live studio audience.]

The X-Men stop overlooking the obvious and agree that something seems amiss with the doctor. They head home to read dead Professor X's notes on the "good" doctor. (Which is something you'd think they would have done before they let Alex alone with him! What if the notes say, "Lykos: Unimaginably evil. Do not trust"?

On another note: Do you find yourself not missing Professor X? I find myself not missing him at all! He was kinda a jerk. And the comics certainly got better once he was gone. GOOD RIDDANCE! (He ... He's right behind me, isn't he? AWK-WARD!)

Alex and Lorna are given the task of reading the prof's notes and it steams up too-possessive Bobby something fierce (steams, because he's ICEman! Whee!) And, finally, we get some women's lib! Hooray:

And THAT is how "Looking for Lykos" became slang for making out.

Turns out, part of the reason she was so off-putting to Bobby is that she now has the hots for Alex. (Can't have hots for an Iceman, huh? What an Oxymoron!)

Somehow (maybe because the X-Men STILL have not learned how to build a fence or even lock a front door) Dr. Sauron gets into the mansion and drains a bit of Lorna's power so he can get his Saur-on ... on. Ca-kaw!!! His plan: To use this newly-stolen power to fly right to the home of his true love and her father so he can prove to them that he is powerful and worthy ... by killing her father.

What better way to say, "I love you" than with patricide?
(Brought to you by the Patricide Council of America.)

The one wrinkle in his plan is that the X-Men are already there, waiting to kick his ass. Which they do. In defeat, Sauron realizes he's literally become a monster while literally being a monster figuratively. He flies away, never to be seen again.


Then, like a modern day movie with multiple endings, we fade back in. Dr. Dayton Lykos has traveled to Tiera del Fuego [lit. trans: Tiera of fuego] where he plans to sit around and wait for death. But what's-her-face (the love interest) shows up, because she had a sneaking suspicion he'd return to the site of the most horrifying incident of his life [being attacked by Pterosaurs and turned into a freak]. Dr. Lykos is so weak that he knows that to touch her would mean that his mutant power of life-draining would kick into action and suck her dry. So he suicides! Right off a cliff.


Always leave them laughing!

Follow along by picking up X-Men - Volume 2 Omnibus (Marvel Omnibus)!