Friday, March 1, 2013

Oh, BROTHER! (Issue #54)

Looks like the cover artist was having a hard time making that villain's hands look right, so he just covered them up with a "blast burst". I KNOW YOUR TRICKS!

Sadly, the same trick doesn't fly when I submit a report at work and cover up those parts that I kinda fudged with a big "POW" drawing.

Life is so unfair... just ask Cyclops who, for some reason, HAS to die! [Some joke about "Cyclops Must DieT!" here. Svelte.]

We open on a policeman arresting Cyclops...but how could such a man as Scott Summers be brought to such a low place?!

FLASHBACK TO TWIST! [A difficult figure skating move]
Scott has a brother! And one who is graduating from college - but NOT Mutant College. (Even though Alex could totally have gotten in to Mutant U, as he had the grades. What kept him out of it was the fact that he doesn't yet know that he is a mutant.) But how do WE know? Because Scott knows. How does Scott know? No idea. Guess we'll find out, later? These questions just lead to more questions! This story is like an onion! So many layers, and each one makes me cry a bit. And it gives me gas, but I can't help but like the flavor. And I prefer them cooked to raw. Let's see... anything else I need to tell you about my onion preferences?

Alex goes to get changed out of his graduation robes (which he cannot just simply pull up over his head, because back in the 60s, kids were sewn into them. That practice would continue until the great robe fire of '70 that claimed over a dozen lives. It was a tragedy that could have been avoided, had robes been easily removable. [This will be the subject of a documentary by Ken Burns ... or at least Ric.])

While struggling with his robe, henchmen of The Living Pharaoh bust in and make him smell their rings

"Don't be so dramatic, Gary! It's just some sleeping powder!"

This "The Living Pharaoh" (who is named as such because he really knows how to, like, live man; he once backpacked around Thailand and barely ever went to the McDonald's there, even though the local cuisine didn't agree with him) wants to sacrifice Alex because of some shuck and jive about Alex's mutant blood which would have made Alex too much of a competitor for the title of The Living Pharaoh. As this is a title we have all just now heard about, I'm guessing T.L.P. wasn't really in any danger of usurpers. But, as we are all the creators of our biggest problems [like when I created that flesh eating virus and was SHOCKED that I caught it, first!], The Living Farro now DOES have a big problem, because one does not just steal the leader of the X-Men's brother and walk away clean. The X-Men will be coming after T.L.P. like a swarm of hornets, you can be sure. [The Pharaoh Who Kicked The X-Men Nest?]

But first, they have to figure out what happened, since the henchman - and Alex - are long gone. Apparently, one of Jean's new super powers is Super Bloodhounding, so she tracks them down, leading the X-Men on with a series of barks and howls. Catching up to the hoodlums, the X-Men manage to fight off T.L.P. and his men and free Alex.

And all's well that ends well. The rest of the X-Men leave so Scott can talk to his brother about "mutant things" ... except this gives Pharaoh an opportunity to sneak up and knock Cyclops out, using some jewel-encrusted artifact ... or his eyes ... or his jewel-encrusted eyes:

He's so classy, he wears bow ties on each of his feet.

When he wakes up, he's next to the dead body of T.L.P! AAAAAAAnd, we're back where we started at the beginning of the issue: About to be arrested for murder most foul! They should check to see if there's an asp around. They have a history of killing Egyptians, right? [Cleopatra joke, there.]

Cyke disarms and knocks out the cops - which will help his defense lawyer, later, I'm sure. Now, Scott is pretty sure he's not the murderer, so he jumps to the next logical conclusion: THAT IT WAS HIS BROTHER. But it's all good in the x-hood, because Cyke vows to help Alex out of this sticky situation. In other words: Help him dodge the law! Brothers, huh? Always hiding the crimes of the other one! [wish I had a brother! All I have is a sister, who I'm pretty sure would turn me over to the cops, if I killed someone - and I'd hope she would, because I'd rat HER out in a heartbeat, too.] [And now Christmas dinner will be extra awkward, this year, if she reads this. Whoops!]

Searching the tunnels for his brother he comes across...the living Pharaoh, who is quite alive.

"Let me just step over my word bubble, here,
and then we can fight, ok?"

So who was that corpse, back there?! Where is Alex?! Hold the onions!

Cliff hang!

To sum up: Warren Worthington III was a rich kid who was good at everything. Then he grew wings. Wow. Tough life.
So, it's so far a 4-way tie of who has the worst origin story. The only one left is Jean Grey. Will she have a good origin?! Doubt it!

Follow along by picking up X-Men - Volume 2 Omnibus (Marvel Omnibus)!