Monday, March 25, 2013

Ca-CAW! Ptera-Man Strikes! (Issue #60)

JUDGE THE COVER! 
Most times, you only think you're in the shadow of Sauron, but, in reality, we are the wind beneath his wings? Did you ever know that? Maybe he never told you you were his hero? That you were everything he'd like to be.

Maybe he didn't tell you that, because he was too busy picking out a slit-sided unitard that would accommodate a tail? I mean, look at that thing! Though, I'm guessing he's only wearing that on the cover because the angle would have meant that the cover artist would have to have drawn Sauron ass. And the comics code would have none of that!

Stupid comics code! Keeping us from Sauron ass!

Let me also point out that they are really stressing the TEENS in the slogan, up there. Admit it, you've kinda forgotten that they were supposed to be teens, right? This is the comics way of reminding up. It's ALSO the comic's way of reminding potential teen buyers of the late 60s that these "X-Men" people are JUST LIKE THEM, SO THEY SHOULD BUY THE BOOK! This is how advertising works. Did it work? The book was cancelled in 6 issues, so, no.

Long "Judge The Cover" this week, huh? That's how it rolls. Sometimes I'll have a lot to say, and sometimes I'll be putting in extra hard-returns to stretch it out. Sometimes I'll do

both.


SUMMARY! 
Before they leave the mountain-side Sentinel HQ to drop Alex off at Dr. Creepy, MD's practice, Judge Chalmers says he is going to release all of the mutants that The Sentinels captured. Since all the other mutants in captivity we're of the evil stripe, the X-Men think this is ... a good idea and leave him to it?!

"So, now that that's over ... back to EVIL?" "Yep" "Yes" "You betcha!" *Fart* "UGH! WTF, TOAD?!" "Sorry, heh heh."


Further bizarre: Instead of locking up Larry Trask (you know, the one who unleashed The Sentinels upon mutant kind and told them to "kill early and often, my lads!"?), Judge Chalmers says that if his mutant-ability-repressing medallion is placed back on him, that he won't remember doing any of this. Overlooking the obvious, "Then wouldn't that mean he'll try again, because he'll assume he hasn't tried yet?" argument, the X-Men think this is also a good idea and leave him to it.

Out of frame, there is a Wookie NOT getting a medal.


Somewhere in there, Lorna Dane says she wants to join the X-Men. Since there are only six more issues until this series is cancelled, she has pretty bad timing. OOH! Or is this like the Cosby's getting Raven Simone on that last season? Is Lorna the shark that the X-Men are jumping? That's SO Lorna!

Once more I remind you that we are SIXTY ISSUES IN to the X-Men, so the "here are our powers danger room scenes" that follow are completely necessary. This is the trope I hate the most. Maybe it's because I think that these pages could be used for a fight sequence later on? Which means I'm mad because it's a fight scene that I don't want instead of one that I do. I am a complicated and confusing man ... I'm deep.

"The metal octopus!" "Why do we have a metal octopus?!" "Metal calimari!"
"Calimari is squid!" "We've made a HUGE mistake!!!"


Meanwhile, back at Dr. Something's-Up-With-Him's office [his real name is Dr. Lykos. You know, like the search engine? What?! You don't remember Lykos? Google it! IRONY!], the good doctor starts having a break down and remembering his ORIGIN STORY!

WAVY, WAYNE'S WORLD LINES

Lykos and his dad were acting as guide in the frozen Tierra Del Fuego [lit. trans: Crown of Fuegos] to a rich dude and his daughter. When the daughter gets lost, Lykos Jr. finds her in a cave, about to be eaten by pterodactyls.

Pterri, no!!!


He fights them off, but is left exhausted by the battle. And THAT is how he gained the ability to draw away people's life forces. QED? So... did the pterodactyls bite him and he became a wereodactyl? Follow-up question: Do pterodactyls have the ability to drain life force? Is this what extincted the dinosaurs? Lets get behind this theory. I saw on the "history" channel how aliens probably caused the extinction of our dinosaurs,  so this new theory of mine sounds just ridiculous enough to be believed by a lot of gullible people. The truth is out there!

Now, in order to survive, Dr. Lykos has to replenish his energy by hypnotizing patients and siphoning off some of their excess energy. When he tries this on Alex, he turns into a pterodactyl. Of course!

This is what happens when nerds get super powers.
Also, I hear the Tolkien estate is very litigious. Is it their copyright lawyers who shall defeat this menace?!


Later, the X-Men hear a news story about how police are investigating crimes committed by a winged man. Angel flips out. Again. [See Last Iss. -Ed] In a rage, he changes his costume back to the one he used before he joined the team. The costume of ... The Avenging Angel! [I'm so sorry. I really had no idea that alter-ego of his was going to turn up so often, or I'd have given more space to it in my recap of Angel's origin.] He storms (flaps?) off to find the menace and finds it in Sauron ... who has death-ray vision?!

"The LIGHT! The HEAT! Guys! It's not Sauron, it's Peter Gabriel!!!"


Oh!Oh! And somewhere in there, Lorna Dane was all, "Bobby's fun, but were not an item! TEE HEE!" Cold! Even colder because Bobby doesn't know this. Colder still, because Bobby is Iceman. Lorna, you're a terrible person. You broke my heart by breaking Bobby's heart ... at some future, undetermined time!






READ IT YOURSELF!
Follow along by picking up X-Men - Volume 2 Omnibus (Marvel Omnibus)!