Thursday, February 14, 2013

Lorna Doone -OR- That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles (Issue #49)


JUDGE THE COVER!
Bruce Willis! Ashton Kutcher! Demi's men! Who dares defy Demi's men? Well, Demi, I guess, as she has divorced them.

Look. I'm not to keen on that joke, either, but I needed some copy to beef up the post, otherwise I'll have to start the "Summary!" section of the article while the text is still aligned next to the cover image ... and if I want to add a second image, from inside the book, it looks all weird and I have to spend some time formatting the post and messing around with HTML. So I'll just keep blathering on.

Blather.

Blatherskite.

I MADE IT! HOORAY!

SUMMARY!
Angel, while visiting the old boarded up x-mansion, hears a weird ticking coming from Cerebro. (Remember, the X-Men have disbanded and sprinkled across the country, like jimmies on an ice cream nation.) It looks like the mutant-finding machine is picking up a mutant gathering of huge proportions somewhere in California. Angel is like, "Lets get the band back together!"

I make the same face whenever
I have to be on a conference call.
Spoilers: Mesmero - a disciple (of sorts?) of Magneto - is the force that Cerebro was detecting. He looks like this:



And he's created a machine that will 1) enhance his own brain waves which he will then use to 2) unlock / awaken all the latent mutants in the country and then 3) force those new mutants to blindly come to him. It's a multi-purpose machine. Most mutant villains would need THREE machines to do all this.

One of these awokeneds is Lorna Dane. She looks like this:

On Her Majesty's Secret Mutant

The name rings a bell, so I think I remember her from future comics, which I read in the past [confusing!] I just can't picture who she is. WAIT A SECOND! Later in the book she showers (not shown) and then looks like this:

"Only my mutant hair dresser
knows for sure!" *wink*
Errrr.... NOPE! Green hair or not, I can't place her yet. I know I remember green hair in later issues of the x-men, but with only so many colors to choose from in a 4-color world, chances are there was more than one be-green'd mutant. Or maybe I'm thinking of Lorna Doones? Those are the cookies covered in green hair, right? Secret Addictions: Eating Hair Cookies.

Further though, I was thinking: With so many artists taking a pass at these character's faces, its not like the faces will ever ring a bell, right? It's amazing we can even tell one person from another at all! And it's all down to colors and costumes, not faces. This is why I'm so bad at remembering people I met: Because they don't wear capes and cowls.

Anyway. Bobby saves Lorna from being creamed by a truck while under Mesmero's mesmer, so he takes her home. "Mom! I found a GIRL, can I keep her?!" Meanwhile beast whips together a portable Cerebro so the "I'm x-ey and I know it!" men can go and pinpoint where this new mutant menace resides.

But they've been fooled, duped, and hornswaggled because while they are out looking for Mesmero, Mesmero breaks into their apartment. He paralyzes Bobby (who was the only one left behind to guard Lorna) but, TWISTY TWIST!, instead of attacking the green -haired beauty ... they start worshiping her!

Thou shalt have no other Danes before me!

TO BE CONTINU-ATED!

BONUS ORIGINS!
As a bonus, we get the origins of The Beast. His dad saved a bunch of people from dying in a nuclear reactor meltdown, then he had sex with his wife, resulting in a mutated baby. That baby's name? The Beast.
'Nuff said!