Monday, February 25, 2013

Eriks Are Red, Lornas Are Green (Issue #52)

JUDGE THE COVER!
Now, you just tell me - look right in my face and tell me, if you can - that if you removed that guy's costume's cross-pieces, that we're NOT looking at a dude wearing a push-up corset and hot pants combo. GO ON! Just TRY and tell me that's not what we're looking at!

And now I know my cosplay choice for this year's ComiCon: Erik The HOT!

Furthermore: TWILIGHT?!?! SQUEEEEE! Is this the issue we learn that mutants sparkle ... and have boring, chaste relationships?!

Wait a second!. Oh no! It just occurs to me that Scott and Jean are the That Vampire Guy and That Girl Who Looks Like She Smells Something Bad from those Mormon vampire movies that I hate ... but from the late 60s! They have a boring love life and just mope about. Aw, man. Either this revelation is going to ruin the X-Men for me, or make me like Twilight.

Perhaps suicide is a third option?

SUMMARY!
Mesmero and his (Magneto's?) army of mutants try to capture this newcomer, Erik The Red, but he turns their advances - and attacks - aside. Then, to show he's a good guest, he brings Mesmero's (Magneto's?) palace down on top of all their heads ... which is exactly what the X-Men did at the end of the last issue. How did they rebuild so fast? Maybe one of the mutants in Mesmero's (Magneto's?) mutant army has the power of "mutant rebuilding". The Builder! He wields the bricks of justice and the mortar of liberty (but can't come out any earlier than Thursday, but will bill you for the entire week).

She extrapolated this from seeing him defeat some of Mesmero's army.
By that logic, every time I kill a spider in my house, I'm gunning for the
spot of "King Spider". Yech.

Well, even though Lorna has no solid proof, I'm willing to believe her when she says that Erik The Red is up to no good. But next time, remember to show all work in the space provided.

Should she even care if Erik The Red takes over?! After all, she has - and continues to - say that she is torn over her allegiance to Magneto. On one hand, he's her father. Sure he's been kinda absent for, oh, her entire life ... plus, he's a megalomaniac nut-job. But on the ''other'' hand, he ''did'' just come back and start ordering her around and treating her poorly. So you can see why she is so torn.

Lorna decides to intercept Red Erik, but the mutant viking reveals to her that he has come NOT to destroy Magneto (Mesmero?), but to JOIN him. You get half-credit, Lorna, but please have a parent or guardian sign you paper and bring it back to me.

Erik the Viking's conditions: That he leads the Mutant Army until Magneto's well again. (Yeah, forgot to mention that Magneto got a bit "Xaviered" - falling debris from the X-Men's last "bring the roof down" escape have left him incapacitated and weak.) In a very un-Magneto moment, the master of magnetism accepts the offer. Mesmero is all like, "No, that's fine! I give the best years of my life to this cause and THIS is how you treat me!" Magneto shrugs and says, "I'm a stinker!" The duo then get spun off into a mutant version of The Lockhorns.

With her new-found telepathic powers, Jean Grey is now the X-Men 's switch board, routing the call-to-action to all parties. [And I can't believe that I've already used up my "You're not dealing with AT&T; Well I am NOW!" joke in a previous blog post!]

Side note: I think this panel (taken from the "let's meet-up" sequence) illustrates that even though the writing has gotten better, we should not forget that these issues were written in a time when things were much, much different than they are now:

NOT because it's illegal (it was) ... but because he would SEE THINGS!

So. Beast, Angel, and Marvel Girl all meet up for an attack on Mutant City, but are immediately spotted by Erik The Red ... but that's okay because Erik The Red is actually ... Cyclops! I certainly didn't see that coming! Did you see that coming?! [Could we have seen that coming? No. So I won't feel bad. If you want to feel bad, that's up to you. I won't tell you what to do. I'm not the boss of you! Lockhorns.]

Together, all of the good guys lay a trap for Mesmero (Magneto?) and his army. The trap consists of electrified copper tape. At least it's not a giant cage that would slam down...? E for "effort", X-Men! (Now have your parents sign this grade and bring it back to me.) However, Bobby Iceman, who the writers are slowly turning into a hot-headed idiot, arrives on the scene and promptly steps on the tape-trap. Zap. Mesmero was on-hand to see the trap sprung, so he uses the confused moment to start a fight.

Meanwhile, this post is going on WAY too long.

Meanwhile, Magneto convinces Lorna Dane to join the fight against the X-Men cuz, you know, Daddy wants her to. "Good enough!", thinks Lorna, and she's off to join the fray!

I think I could find a court of law that would differ
with you on  this point. Like all of them.

On the way she is intercepted by Iceman who reveals that he did some research in her home town and found out that Magneto is lying about being her father. Feeling hurt and betrayed she, again, goes all FERROcious [yes, I know I made that same joke last issue, but I needed a joke here, and got lazy] on Mesmero and his army, wiping them out. Again.

By the time she and the X-Men battle their way back to Magneto's room, the villain is gone. But he's left them a parting gift: A self destruct command, that is going to destroy all of Mutant City. Of course, the X-Men escape, so stop worrying.

So, all's well that ends well! And it looks like a happy ending for Bobby, too:

Firstly: Friskoteque?! That's almost pornographic.
Secondly: What about ZELDA, you cad?!

LET'S DRAG BEAST'S ORIGIN STORY OUT LONGER!
In this, the THIRD part of this story, El Conquistador, having captured Hank's parents, makes him steal some kind of energy device for him.

To be continued?! Ugh. You have GOT to be kidding!

ADDED TO AUTO CORRECT
Mesmero. Which is weird, because I'd been talking about him in the past couple of issues. Guess I finally decided that he was going to stay around long enough to warrant added to my permanent dictionary. Boy, I'm gonna feel foolish when this turns out to be his last appearance ever!




READ IT YOURSELF!
Follow along by picking up X-Men - Volume 2 Omnibus (Marvel Omnibus)!