Saturday, February 9, 2013

Bikini Jeanie And The Mad Computo (Issue #48)

Due to popular demand (the tweet of one individual) I'm back!

Looks like Cyclops and Jean are finally teaming up! But, alas, not in the sexy way we've all been hoping and praying for. (You HAVE all been petitioning your god for a Jean/Scott "intimate" book, right?! One sold under a plain brown cover to no one under 18? [judging from a quick Google search, yes, a lot of people have exactly those fantasies])

Professor X was dead: to begin with. The X-Men have been scattered to the winds. (This is a more literal observation when related to Angel. BECAUSE HE CAN FLY, YOU SEE?!)

What's this?! Jean has a job as a model? Guess it turns out that we are going to be treated to some prurient panels:

For many kids, this issue would be kept next to the Sears catalog, under the bed.
(Remember: These were the days before the internet.)

As a bonus, along with the near-nude Jean, we get sexist talk! Hooray! Thanks for not letting me down, the past, with your misogyny. It's not even well written. I mean, "That's the tastiest package of goodies we've opened around here in months!" Clearly the writer had just opened a new bag of Oreos and was like, "I'll bet men feel about women the way I feel about these cookies. [type]

But, I guess, open comments about your physique (disparaging or lauding) is just part of the modeling world, am I right Tyra Banks? SMILE WITH YOUR EYES, EVEN THOUGH YOUR SOUL MAY BE DYING!

As much as all you horn-dogs would like me to continue talking about Jean in a bikini, we should really move on to the main story of robots! Computers!

Ok. So Jean is a high-profile bikini model. Shockingly, Scott, delicious though he is, has a cover identity as a mere radio broadcaster! Scott and Todd with the wack-jobs Zoo Crew in the morning, only on WXMN! HONK HONK! SLIDEWHISTLE. "Next up, Scott will make one of his famous, or should I say INfamous, prank phone calls." *Ring ring* "Hello?" "Yes. Is your refrigerator running?" "Who is this?!" "This is Scott from WXMN ... I mean ... damn. Never mind. I am sorry for bothering you, citizen." *Click*


Luckily, he's showing Jean the booth (calm down, you guys, it's not a euphemism)  when robots (called "Cybertrons" - no relation) pull up in a van. In case you missed that, let me stress something: ROBOTS PULL UP IN A VAN!!!1. Under the direction of some other robot dude (OR IS HE?!) named Computo, they attempt to steal the station's new transmitter!

Each of these robots have been built with a special power. One is ultrasonic. One can whip up wind. And the third can ... make his hands hot:

No date of his has ever survived third base.


Refreshingly, unlike the series of "worst threats we've ever faced!" that the X-Men used to face off against in every issue, these guys are easy-peasy to blast to bits. The only problem is that Scott and Jean are too slow, and one starts scampering back to headquarters. The X-Duo cleverly follow it back to its lair where they then immediately start tearing the entire robot "hive" to shreds. Guess the X-Men have adopted some kinda "one-strike policy" for bad guys? Penalty for your first offense of theft? Termination of every living robot. Balanced.

Now, since they're so easy to kill, the only threat these "Cybertons" pose is that their sheer volume could overcome our heroes before they can finish destroying all of these, possibly sentient, robots. ["Scott? Will I dream?" "Who cares?!" *unplug*] As an illustration, think of ants eating a chee-to. The Chee-to can't fight back because there are just to many ants. Also: Chee-tos can't fight at all, so I've just made you think of a Chee-to for no good reason, and the analogy fails. Now I want Chee-tos. Also: I don't know why I'm hyphenating it. Probably to avoid a lawsuit over trademark?

To head-off this ant/Chee-to situation, Scott uses his brains and targets Computo, the head robot. After a few zaps it explodes and all the other robots collapse. Simple!

BUT! Rising from the ashes of Computo is ... Quasimodo! Some kind of ugly cyborg who, it is hinted at, we are supposed to remember from somewhere other than a past X-Men comic. Boy, Marvel really had faith that we were all, always reading every one of their titles ever, huh?

Nope, can't say the name RINGS ANY BELLS!

Quasimodo then escapes with no explanation given for what he was trying to do or how he built all these robots, or what his plans were. [Though, since he was stealing a radio station's transmitter, my best guess is that his plans included "transmitting" something.]

This series continues to tread water.

Last week, the issue promised us an origin story of Angel ... but instead we are shown a description of The Beast's powers! What the heck?! I can't believe Stan Lee LIED to us at the end of the last issue! If he can lie about that, what else has he lied about! Did he not really invent Spider-Man?! Is he NOT a true believer?! It's like I just don't know who he is anymore! And, by extension, I don't know who I am anymore, either!


Move over, Barefoot Contessa!

To sum up The Beast's powers: Big feet. Super smarts. That is all. [They took FIVE pages to say that.]