Thursday, December 6, 2012

AvX2 (Avengers #53 [Read after X-Men #45])

Are you ready for the stunning conclusion of this MASSIVE 4-part crossover "event"? (Or, like me, have you forgotten how this story started and care very little how it all ends?)

"The Avengers vs. The X-Men!" I've heard THAT one before ... twice! (Once a couple of issues ago and another time a couple of issues ago. Wait. Let me explain. They did this before, in the series and they'll do it again - which, since I'm reading this issue at the end of 2012, is actually after they would do it again and make a HUGE deal about it. Gosh. Reading back issues is like time travel, and brings with it the same nomenclature issues. You know what? Forget I said anything. Just sit back and enjoy the...

The Avengers! That means Thor! Iron Man! Captain America! The Hulk!

As Bizzaro-world Dave Hester says: Nooooope! We are treated to a cross over with the crummy Avengers: Hawkeye, Giantman, Wasp, and Black Panther. But it looks like Cyclops doesn't know these guys either! Guess the lineup changed a couple issues ago and Cyke didn't have a chance to catch up on them all for his Avengers Recap Blog.

"Now, had you sent 'Adam', I would have been
cool with that!" *SPLAK!*

Now, naturally, Cyclops thinks these are Magneto's robots (PLEASE bear in mind that, to this point, we have NEVER seen Magneto have robot henchmen!), so he attacks them and they attack back. This is commonly called "fighting".

But where is Angel? The one who risked flying across an ocean, and getting into fights with Red Ravens to get said Avenger-istas assembled? Well, he found them, assembled them, flew with them to Magneto's island, but then was discovered to have a tracking device on him. Since super heroes are a suspicious bunch, they immediately think Angel is in league with Magneto. (Mainly because the tracking device said, "If found, please return to Magento, 1 Magnetic Island, The Ocean, Earth, A Mote In God's Eye") So, the Avengers tie him up and leave him in their ship to think about what he's done and you just wait until your father comes home, mister!

Where's the trust? Being a superhero is like being constantly paranoid, I guess. Who's gonna ham-string you? Who's gonna unmask you? Who's gonna turn out to be a robot version of themselves, sent from another dimension to steal your egg salad recipe?! These are the same things that I worry about, every day.

Speaking of trust: The Avengers don't even trust each other and start infighting and bickering.

This is why everyone thinks Jeremy Renner is a dick.

While they are distracted with their internal power-struggles, Cyclops sneaks off and frees the other X-Men ... so, there was really no need to get the Avengers here, in the first place? WRONG! The Avengers are there so that when Magneto shoots the X-Men with his mind-control ray, they have someone to fight. (Magneto also used his mind-ray to take control of the writers of this story, to orchestrate that. Meta. MetaNeto.)

Then Angel busts in and unplugs the mind-control device. But! But! HOW is he free?! Well, here is the panel that conveniently explains everything:

Why, it's elementary, my dear WASPson!

Uh-huh. So you Avengers were streets ahead on this whole thing? I find that hard to believe.

I wonder if right now, in the 2012 AvX story that is ongoing, if any of the characters are like, "Hey! This is kinda like that time in the 60's when we fought on Magneto's Island! That was a crazy good time, right?" and then Sour Scott Cyclops is like, "Shut up and kill those Avengers, NOW, Bobby!" Then Scott cries over something Jean did. [Having not read a single issue of the new series, how close did I get to the actual plot? Write in and tell me!]

Magneto, sensing defeat, orders Toad to blow up the chamber in which The Avengers and The X-Men are a-fighting.

In Magneto's mind, a slap
is as good as a "please".

That's when Toad realizes he's finally had enough of being a Toadie and quits the band. [Plus, he was never really sure if "Possum Kingdom" was about being a vampire, or not.] So, with an empowering "I GO, girl!" Toad sets the entire island to explode. Take THAT mom ... I mean Magneto-dad! ... I mean, MAGNETO!

Toad, Quicksilver, and Scarlet jump into a rocket which, Toad says, is Magneto-proof because it is "made of nonmetals" ... so, wood? Plastic? Hair? The X-Men and The Avenger-Men escape in a plain-old rocket car.

In a last ditch effort to save himself, Magneto tries to grab on to Toads ship, but Toad grows a pair and steps on Magnet-oh's hands, causing him to fall. The master of magnetism, unable to use the Earth's own magnetic field to save himself, plummets to the rocks below. Luckily, his helmet comes off so if can become a poignant image:

Sea turtles choke to death on superhero
helmets, because they look like jelly fish.

The end! Whew! That was something, huh? Feel satisfied?