Friday, November 23, 2012

SPOILERS: Professor X DIES! (Issue #42)


WARNING! If you have not read my recap of issue #41 "Grotesk To The Max", please do so right now, or nothing you read from here on in will make any sense! (Well, that's not true at all, really. It'll make just as much sense, but I'll get another click for that last post. It's all about the clicks-jamins.)

"Clicks-jamins" is a play on "Benjamins", as used in rap song lyrics by Masters of Ceremonies-es. "Grotesk To The Max" is a play on the old 80's expression "grodie to the max", as used in, I dunno... the 80s? Tentative, in both cases, I know. What's the old saying? "When your blog needs a glossary, you need to re-evaluate your blog?" (That is not a real saying, until I made it up, just now. And since I made it up, I can choose to ignore it.)

Well, let's GLOSSary over that opening preamble, and get to the "good" stuff:

Marvel Girl and Professor X continue to act cagey, to the point of denying help to Cyclops and Beast in their fight against Grotesk (a sub-human) which is currently happening down in the subway tunnels. Further: Professor X (soon to be EX, eh, as he's about to DIE!) even forbids Warren and Ice "Bobby" Man from returning to the caves to help. Something mysterious is going on, and I don't like it. OH! I like mystery, just fine, I just like them presented to me in 60-minutes chunks by 20/20. (It's always the husband who did it, right?!)

MEANWHILE (in all caps, for no reason except I'm feeling like I'm not being as funny as I should be, in this post, and want to "spice things up" for you guys, and CAPS ALWAYS DOES THAT) down in the tunnels, Cyke and Beast's fight against Grotesk is - as any long-time reader of my blog and/or the early X-Men comics will know by now - going typically VERY poorly for the heroes. The only thing that stops Grotesk handing their spandex-clad asses to them is that a small tremor happens. This send Grotesk into a rage, so he runs off to find the tiny man in his head who is causing these earthquakes. NOT KIDDING:

A headache can feel like a tiny man operating an earthquake
device in your brain. Try Tylenol. 

Licking their wounds (gross), Cyclops and Beast return to the mansion and are all like, "Where was back-up?!" and Jean is all like, "Reluctant to say things!" But then a mental summons from Prof. Deadxavier commands her to, like a good little girl, bring the other men folk to him. As long time readers of my blog will no doubt have already assumed: She responds to his beck and call with unquestioned obedience. Subtle misogyny is the best kind, because it sneaks behind you, while you're not looking, and - POW - has you make it a sandwich.

Meanwhile, at the laboratory that MAKES EARTHQUAKES (not kidding), Grotesk attacks! But the man running the Earthquake-o-Tron 5000(tm) is ... Professor X! And why wouldn't he be?! See, it was all part of Professor NotALotOfTimeToLive's strategy of luring Grotesk to where he could be incapacitated. That is, Grotesk is the one that is supposed to be incapacitated, not Professor X, as my dangling modifier might have led you to believe ... though something tells me the tables are about to turn. FATALLY! And if this "clever" plot is the reason why Professor X dies, I think you can agree with me that he deserves it, as it is a sloppy ploy. A ploy so sloppy it has mustard stains on its pants, and it hasn't had a hot dog in WEEKS. Probably not since the July 4th BBQ. Gross.

Well, guess what?! EXavier can't incapacitate the sub-human, so the monster throws the "hoisted by your own petard" switch that'll cause massive earth-killing earth-quakes that will kill the entire earth.

Everything is funny out of context.
(And when you have a gutter for a mind.)

Just in time to NOT stop him from throwing the switch that will cause the thing to happen, eventually, that will destroy the world: The X-Men arrive. Punctuality is the politeness of kings, apparently, not mutants. "Sorry we're late!" they say, but how can the professor believe them when they are always late? Saying your "sorry you're late" means you'll try to do better in the future! It does not excuse your rampant lateness. [Look. What I'm saying is that I hate when people are late, ok? To the point that I, personally, wind up showing up early - maybe too early - to events, then get mad when people show up on time, because it feels like I've been waiting forever. I am a frustrating enigma to my friends and loved ones.]

Anyway! While the rest of the X-Men (Rest-Men?) keep the G-dude (Geodude?) busy (Philips?),  Professor "I'm not dead yet" X and Marvel "Death Happens To Ugly People" Girl manage to slow the earthquake machine down. Just as it looks like everyone is about to not die, Grotesk realizes what they've done, breaks off his x-attack, and tries to reactivate the quake-machine. It explodes, killing him. So that's one loose end tied up.

But Xavier has survived! Yay!

But then he dies of an illness he knew he was dying of, anyway! Boo!

WHERE, has he gone Angel? Oh! Right. Sorry.
Also: You know this is a serious moment, because
Iceman's tears are not drawn as tiny ice cubes.
That've been hilarious.

To "cheer" us up, they include the last installment of the Cyclops "origin" story. And it DOES cheer me up a bit, because its finally over and I don't have to read any more of it.

Essentially: Jack O'Diamonds has succeeded in turning his whole body into living, flexible diamond (so, something without two of the BIG properties of a diamond) by bathing in rays from a nuclear power plant's cyclotron. Easy peasy. Xavier convinces Scott to get a "vibration ray" and use it on Jack ... which makes Jack explode. Scott, the poor orphan, laments that, with the death of this diamond monster, he is even more alone than ever and that he has no where to go. Xavier over-hears his all-too-obvious fishing for a place to crash and says, "Why not come be a superhero with me?" "Really mister?!" "Really!" "No kinky stuff, though." "Wouldn't dream of it. Here are your spandex. Put them on and work out in this torture chamber I have built in the basement of my secluded mansion." "Uh.... OK!"

"You, young Scott, will be the first into danger,
while I sit at home watching Roseanne reruns on The Hub."

So, lets review. Xavier uses a lonely orphan to commit murder, then tells that orphan that he can protect him from the authorities if the teenager joins his crazy gang of mutants? That's f*cked up.


Wanna read the source materials? Have fun with THAT! They're in here:
Marvel Masterworks: The X-Men - Volume 4