Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Warlock (But Not The One With Julian Sands) (Issue #30)

Annnnnnnd, I'm back!

The Warlock FINDS time for a manicure. He has a reputation to look after.

Hey there, weird art style? Whatcha dooin' in my non-artistic X-Men comics? Did you get lost? They really should pin the home address of artworks to their coats, in case something like this happens.

I'm not going to upload too many pages, just to show it off, but, trust me, this artwork is a bit more... mature than what we've come to know from these books. I mean, look at that splash page, up there and it's impromptu anatomy lesson of Jean Grey! Boobs and arched backs make many more appearances in this issue - and NO I will not post them all for you to drool over, you sick-os! (I'll keep them all for myself to drool over, I sick-o!)

It's like they are just writing down my high school life.

So this is Warlock's ploy to ask Jean out on a date. Outside of all the ways I tried to do this, throughout most if my adolescence (which was to quietly stare at a girl in my class until she suddenly realized that she wanted to go out with me ["That staring kid seems nice, I'll ask him to prom!"], this is possibly the worst way to ask a girl out. It's called Abduction-Dating, and it's totally a thing you can take a seminar in. First, "neg" them with a back-handed compliment, then pull them into an alternative realm with magic. IT NEVER FAILS!

Though, is our villain du-jour (du-month?), The Warlock, pulling her into an alternate realm / universe? Or is it a dreamscape? Or maybe the New England hills? Honestly, it's a bit hard to tell where we've gone, from how it's been drawn. NORMALLY, after I've been pulled through a tunnel of blackness by a wizard's well-manicured hand, I end up in another universe - or at least an alternate dimension. Those rules might not apply here, though. 

As if to not be outdone by his own terrible way of asking Jean out, he trumps himself by ALSO dragging Professor X along. Though maybe its a chivalrous gesture ... B.Y.O. chaperone? [Spell check flagged that as incorrect spelling, so I had to detour to do a web search. Turns out, it can be spelled either way. (Like controller/controler or potato/potato.)]

What do you call a cross between a Pegasus and a Unicorn? Eliphino!

"SQUEE! Pegacorns!" (say the one to two girls reading this comic in 1966), "If I can't have a strong female roll model, at least there are horses!" [Look, I'm not the sexist one, here! The sexist one is the late 60s!] Also: Pretty nice of Warlock to lug Professor X around like a new bride.

So the game is mind control, eh? And it looks like The Warlock is winning it - at least with Jean. He's turned Marvel Girl into a puppet and shut of Prof X's powers completely!

Decades before Bran Stark, Prof X was riding a horse without working legs. Song of Fire and X.

Looks like Angel was swept along through the portal, too. Is The Warlock concerned? Not at all! In fact, he lets Angel fly along with them, back to his hideout. Do you hear that? Sounds like The Warlock humming show tunes from The Sound Of Music. (Specifically "I Have Confidence".) (I stretched that one! ROLPH! NO!)

Moving the plot along, The Warlock reveals that he is actually... MERLIN! Who is not a fictitious character at all, but a real, live person! In the Marvel universe, I mean! I ... I certainly wasn't starting to feel like these X-Men were real people that I could some day meet and be friends with, despite my obvious flaws and social anxieties! Heh. One step closer to the edge everyday.

His plot? To ... turn back the clock on humanity's brains, making them all think they're back in medieval times (jousting! falconry! eating with hands! party and groups rates available!) And because of this, he will RULE THE WORLD because he'll be the only one who knows how to use technology. Like, think about how we would worship someone if he were the only guy on the planet who had an iPad. YEAH! Like  THAT kind of worship. Jobsian.

But! I guess because he comes from a more chivalrous time (when men still held doors open for women, even though they were still mostly domestic slaves who were expected to birth children and shut up about everything else (you know, like how the X-Men view Jean Grey?)) The Warlock/Merlin says that if the X-Men can win a challenge - of The Merlinlock's own devising - then he (Warlin) will give up his world domination plans and go back to sleep.

This awesome challenge that the master of all magic has devised to defeat the X-Men? Sending exactly four guys on horseback and four archers into an arena with our mutant-powered superheros (who, to recap, can 1) fly 2) shoot ice 3) shoot beams from his eyes 4) "beast"). The battle is over in less than a page. See:

I know this is supposed to be an action-packed page, I just can't see beyond the BEE-YONG!
Also: Beyond The Bee-Yong is the name of my next monograph.

Sensing he is defeated, The Warlock turns and runs away. Classic! Now we know where Count Rugen got his strategies from. [PLEASE tell me that someone got that! NO GOOGLING!]

Anyway, let's wrap this up: The mutants chase Merlin a bit, then defeat him by pulling his cape over his head and having Prof X mentally whammy him, sending him to sleep for a millenjum. [I know it's misspelled, but I happen to like it, so I left it. In a few years, everyone'll be saying it that way, anyway (after my X-Men blog catches wildfire on the Internet, of course!)] [My Wikipedia entry from 2764: "Most notable for inventing the word "Millenjum", all other records of Jeff were expunged and redacted by the Great And Powerful Robot President (All Hail BidenBot 4000!) in the aftermath of World Wide Web War 2.0. Reading this entry constitutes a mind-crime against the cyber-state and a RoboCop(TM) will be sent around to your Matrix IP address to set you on fire." The future is a grim place.]

You sure he's comatose? Anyone check for a pulse? You were smothering him with a cloak for a long time, there....

You have found this ending satisfactory!

Added to my auto correct: 'Natch [Frustratingly, the joke in which I used it was later removed during the writing phase, so it's now a permanent part of my phone's dictionary forever, and you don't even know why!]

Want to read along? These stories are contained in:
Marvel Masterworks: The X-Men Volume 3