Friday, April 13, 2012

Cyberno?! (Issue #7)

So far, Stan Lee, I am not impressed! Is this guy, like, the Isaac Asimov of the comic book world? (In that he has great ideas, but his execution and actual writing style leave ... something to be desired? I mean, don't get me wrong, Dude came up with some of the greatest heroes of all time, so he definitely deserves his place among the pantheon of powerful personages (alliteration an homage to Stan the Man, 'natch.)

Is what I am saying heretical? Sacrilegious? Are a band of True Believers going to storm my house and shout "Excelsior!" at me until I cave? Or do most people agree with me? Or does Stan get better with age?


'Nuff said on that! (for now!) I will revisit this topic, later, maybe he's just finding his way with these stories.


Its graduation day and all the kids are receiving their diplomas in X-Menology! Which makes me wonder ... if they're all teenagers and they are at a boarding school, have other studies been left out? Has The Professor created a team of super-loyal, super-stupid soldiers at the expense of general knowledge? I'll bet they're all crap at Jeopardy! (Alternative joke for those who find Jeopardy! too "uppity": ARE the X-Men smarter than a fifth grader?!)

An X-FIRST then takes place in this issue, as we are intorduced to Cerebro! (Which is now another new word that my cell phone has learned.) And Cerebro is a HOT MESS. Wires everywhere.

Johnny Ives is having a heart attack, seeing this.
The Prof is only showing Cyclops this because he is to become the deputy leader of the X-Men when the Professor is away. Mere panels later:

CYBERNO?! Were you even
listening, "leader-man"?
Not shown: Professor X face-palming and immediately regreting his decision.

But where's the conflict? Well, I'll tell you, though it's not frightfully exciting: The Blob is back! Yes, the least exciting mutant of all time (and yes, I put Toad above The Blob, mainly because I have, in real life, seen someone so fat that they could not be moved by natural human means - and by that I mean a Rascal(tm) - yet I have not seen someone bounce over an entire track team, as Toad once did.)

But, you splutter, what about the unbreakable mental block that the great and powerful Proz X put on him?! That? Oh ... yeah, that broke when The Blob fell down. Seriously.

Side note: At this point in the game, Mr. Lee could have created ANY character he wanted to, since the X-world is fresh and new. Yet he returned for a second dip in the "obese carny trash" well. Interesting choice! Were carnivals really popular, back in 1964? Was the world screaming out to see MORE freaks on the pages of their comics? Alas, Gallup never bothered to measure these metrics, so the answer is lost to time.

Thankfully, the X-Men have Cerebro / Cyberno is to warn the X-Men of the fat mutant (fatant?) returning:

LOOK AGAIN! Under "Known Hostile
Mutants" is a listing for "UNKNOWN".
This will be the logic flaw that causes
Cerebro to explode, right after Kirk orders it
beamed from the ship.
Then the X-Men hang out with hippies and this happens:

Dig those crazy paws, daddy-o.
Not much more to say, really, other than The Blob joins up with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, everyone fights, The Blob gets mud in his eyes and screams, "I have mud in my eyes!", the X-Men defeat the BOEM at which point The Blob says, "Screw this, you mutants are crazy, I'm going back to my normal job of being shot with cannonballs in the carnival!" making this the second X-Story in a row to end with the new "threat" of the issue saying, "Screw both of you!" and wandering off.

Now do you see what I was saying about Stan Lee?!

Want to read along? This story are covered in X-Men Volume 1 (Marvel Masterworks)